Anyone not currently watching Santa Clarita Diet is missing out on one of television’s best and most original comedies. The Netflix series is an outrageous blend of horror and comedy which follows Sheila and Joel Hammond, a realtor couple living a quiet suburban life in California. Their normalcy is ended when Sheila becomes an undead being who feasts on human flesh.
Despite the dark plot, the show is laugh-out-loud funny thanks to a hilarious cast and a standout performance by Timothy Olyphant as Joel. Olyphant is most known for playing the badass in shows like Deadwoodand Justified, and it’s clear he’s having a lot of fun being a complete goof. Joel’s struggle to cope with his new reality provides the show’s funniest lines. So if you need a good laugh, or you want to see what you’re missing out on, here are Joel Hammond’s funniest quotes from Santa Clarita Diet.
Don’t Google It
The Hammonds are a fairly normal family when all the sudden their world is turned upside down. The new and undead version of Sheila benefits from a lack of inhibition but Joel has a very difficult time trying to wrap his head around things. So when his wife starts bleeding black ooze and eating uncooked ground beef, he just wants answers. And although he is unsure about a lot of this, he at least realizes that WebMD probably isn’t going to be a lot of help here.
“Whatever this is, we need to talk to someone because we are not experts. And this is just the sort of thing the internet will have a lot of misinformation about.”
Still Helping
Along with hunting down bad people to be Sheila’s meals, the Hammonds also have to deal with zombie hunters and various potential zombie outbreaks. The mayhem causes a power shift in their relationship. The once timid Sheila is now a take-charge badass, leaving Joel as more of a supporting player in the action.
“I feel like you’re Batman and Robin and I’m Alfred.”
Again, it’s fun seeing Olyphant in this type of role as he struggles to maintain his masculinity while his wife does all the muscle work. But to be fair, there’s no way Batman and Robin could do it without Alfred.
Remain Calm
As much as Joel hopes to be the glue that holds his family together, some times he just cannot contain himself. Some of the funniest moments in the show involve Joel trying to make a big declaration about how they are going to make it through this situation, only to be sidelined by yet another gory scene.
“In the meantime, you and I are going to get through this toget— The f*** is that?!”
In this scene, as Joel is attempting his latest motivational speech, Sheila’s eye pops out of its socket which, understandably, takes him off his game. In this moment, Olyphant’s delivery is hilariously good.
Discretion Is Important
As the Hammonds try to deal with their new situation, it inevitably leads to some very awkward situations, such as trying to convince a morgue worker to hand over a corpse to the friendly couple. It’s hard to say what is more disturbing, the fact that the worker seems unphased by the request, or that he just assumes it’s for sexual purposes.
“We’d want to take it with us, of course, because we’re shy.”
Again, just watching Joel attempt to act normal in increasingly abnormal situations is so funny. His insistence that they are both necrophiliacs and bashful people just shows how uncomfortable this is for him.
Stalling For Time
While Joel might always seem like he’s about to drown in all the madness around him, given how weird his life has gotten, it’s a miracle he’s kept his head above water this long. As he bounces from one problem to the next, constantly looking for a solution, it’s understandable that he’s not always going to have the perfect one ready.
“Here’s the solution! Let’s all stop taking until I can’t think what to say next”.
His hilarious Hail Mary attempt to diffuse this situation is classic Joel. It’s desperate, frantic and actually a little bit effective.
Man’s Best Friend
There is a constant battle between the two sides of Joel Hammond. There is the friendly, laid-back suburban family man, and then there is the guy trying to keep all of his family’s terrible secrets from getting out. When the “family man” needs to cover for the “dark” version of Joel, it leads to some of the show’s biggest laughs.
“F***ing dogs! They’re the greatest. We should be licking them.”
A momentary outburst at the notion of police dogs sniffing around their house, leads to this genius cover up. Joel is quick on his feet, but sometimes he’s a little too quick.
Interesting Facts
Even with his life turned upside down, Joel is still a man of simple interests. He enjoys some of the finer things in life and he can get easily distracted by random trivia. As the Hammonds get a little more accustom to a lifestyle filled with murder and gore, Joel is able to take a more nonchalant attitude about the things they can do. It’s not that he doesn’t take it seriously anymore, it’s just that he is now able to appreciate the fact that like, koala bears, a realtor couple from California can be unlikely predators.
“People can be sweet and dangerous. Example, us. Also koala bears.”
Typical Afternoon
Sometimes the funniest moments of the show come from Joel simply realizing what kind of insanity they are in the middle of. It’s as if he was so in the moment of accomplishing their latest dangerous goal that when he finally takes a step back to observe how crazy this all is, he comes close to completely losing it.
“All you did was return Trish’s cat and now we’re driving a vodka-soaked corpse to the ocean to frame a fish for murder.”
While you can rationalize staging a fake-shark attack with a dismembered body all you want, at some point the reality of the situation is going to set in. And Olyphant is surprisingly brilliant at playing on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
Modern Times
One of the best aspects of this show is how it deals with topical subjects even in the midst of all the over-the-top zombie mayhem. While never being heavy-handed, the show explores the concept of “modern monsters”, those kinds of people that are just making the world a worse place.
“Today we just have to kill a Nazi. And lucky for us, now there are more of them than ever.”
Not surprisingly, the show targets Nazis quite a bit. Few characters are as despicable as Nazis and, while violence is never the answer, it can be pretty fun watching them get eaten alive by Drew Barrymore. And as Joel points out, there seems to be no shortage of them these days. Smart and, sadly, very true.
A Perfect Family
When you get past all the blood and guts and severed limbs, Santa Clarita Diet is really about family. No matter what is going on with the Hammonds, they always love each other. Joel might not be dealing with his new life super well, but he is determined to stick it out and keep his family together.
“From now on we f*** up everything together”
He is also a realist and knows there are going to be bumps along the way. No one is perfect, especially people who murder other people for food, but as long as they are making all these gargantuan mistakes together, he’s happy.
